Personal Foul

52-7 against the NFL’s then 5th ranked defense of the Washington Redskins?  What in the name of Marv Levy is going on here?

Tom Brady and his offense seem to reduce the game to a 7 on 7 drill, and as the season wears on, the Patriots seem to be getting, and I’m not sure how, better with each passing game. Last Sunday in Foxboro, the Pats OL completely negated the Redskins front and let Tom Brady do essentially whatever he wanted. Something tells me that trying to defend Brady would have the same result as any woman on the planet going on a date with him- He doesn’t care how many all pros you’ve turned away at the goal line, he’s going to score repeatedly, it doesn’t matter who you are.

It was around the 2nd quarter when it struck me-watching Bill Belicheck’s Pats for the first time this year, I was suddenly reminded of Jim Kelly’s “K Gun” offense in Buffalo and how impossible it appeared to stop. Jim Kelly had James Lofton going deep, Andre Reed eating up the middle and Don Beebe doing the dirty work. Thurman Thomas was without peer as an all around offensive threat, the offensive line had 2 Pro Bowlers and there was plenty of backfield depth with Kenneth Davis and bruising FB Carwell Gardner. Toss in Kelly’s complete mastery of the offense and the breakneck speed at which he ran the no huddle, and you had a terrifying offensive force.

You think the Pats 52 against a vastly overrated and full of itself Redskins defense is something? Kelly and company put up 51 in the AFC Title game in 1990 before bowing to ….you guessed it, Belicheck’s funky 2 man front defense in Super Bowl XXV.”Shorten the game” was Giants’ coach Bill Parcells edict at the time, knowing full well the Jeff Hostetler led Giants offense would never be able to keep pace with such a high flying attack.  And so Belicheck’s star was born that day and his defense did the impossible, it held the K-Gun Bills to 19 measly points.  At the time it looked funky, but Little Bill trotted out the ultimate “big nickel” defense and rarely rushed more than 3 people all night, despite having LT, Carl Banks and Leonard Marshall on the field.

Giant defenders hit, slammed, pushed shoved and generally intimidated the Bills skill players all night, and were it not for a missed 47 yard field goal, those defenders would have been considered failures despite their tremendous effort.

Fortunately for the Giants that day, Bill Parcells knew defense was only half the equation.  He had to control the clock and play keep away from Kelly and Co.  Stopping them was not possible, but if they aren’t on the field they can’t score. Outscoring an offense in that type of rhythm is near impossible, so take to the running game, bleed the clock and make sure you hit hit hit all day long on defense.  Jeff Hostetler, Ottis Anderson, Dave Meggett and that bruising offensive line did just that and the result was a thrilling 20-19 Super Bowl victory.

I assume Little Bill was sufficiently impressed because many years later, he is using the one offense he had the most trouble stopping that day, and the results are nothing short of terrifying.  Everyone marvels at Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Wes Welker and the high flying offense, but we’ve seen this all before, granted not to this degree of precision.

Fast forward to Sunday, November 4th, when the unbeaten Colts try to slow the unstoppable Patriots and their offensive machine.  Looking for a shootout?  Expecting scores in the 40s?  Most people are, but something tells me we’re in for a slugfest.

The Colts Super Bowl win last year was due in no small part to their defense and running game despite having Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Marvin Harrison and Dallas Clark.  Prior to last year they’d never knocked off the Patriots in the playoffs because they tried to run with Brady and his offense.  When Brady is on, he can’t be stopped so the only way to win?  Listen to Bill Parcells and shorten the game.

Colt’s coach Tony Dungy did just that in the AFC Title game even after falling behind 21-3.  He leaned on rookie Joseph Addai and veteran Dominic Rhodes and slowly but surely wore the Patriots physical but aging defense down.  Brady’s rhythm was interrupted by long scoring drives and the comeback was led not by the aerial assault but by the running game.

Little Bill has his defense humming and using the blue print from the K-Gun offense has Brady, Moss and friends lighting up the scoreboard.  He and Big Bill showed everyone the formula in Super Bowl XXV, and I’m guessing Dungy paid attention.  Belicheck has created a monster, but his fatal flaw is that he also showed the football world how to beat it as an assistant in New York.  The formula is there, but it will take the guts to stick to it and the talent to execute it.  Dungy’s Colts have both, which is why I’m predicting an end to the maddening reign of terror of the Patriots.

If I was a betting man, I’d take the Colts and the under.  Shorten the game Tony, shorten the game.

Master Sun said….

“Ultimate Excellence Lies Not in Winning Every Battle, But In Defeating th Enemy Without Ever Fighting”- Sun Tzu, The Art Of War

Read it again Giant fans…”without ever fighting”, now it all makes sense! Our defenders weren’t moping on the sidelines, they weren’t lifeless, effortless, heartless or gutless, they were trying to attain Ultimate Excellence. How could we have all been so stupid to think we mere fans and reporters could fathom what was going on? How else do you explain the anger and umbrage from “Defensive Leaders” Michael Strahan and Antonio Pierce when reporters this week questioned the defense? Simple, we are just simple fans and media types who cannot attain the enlightenment of two such noble warriors. Heed the wisdom of our overly Defensive End and team captain:

“Anybody can sit on the sideline and look at the bench and go, ‘Oh.’ That is crap. You know what? That is crap,” “It is just so disappointing to me when you guys had me come out here to answer questions and you ask stuff that is just. …Be creative. .”- Michael Strahan.

Be creative Mr. Garafolo, Mr. Palladino, Mr. DiTrani, and Mr.Staple. How dare you talk about what you saw, don’t you know that Mike is working towards Ultimate Excellence, not mere victories? Use creative words and phrases like, “Oh”..”That is crap”….”You know what?”…”That is crap”. The nerve of you to question the desire of a man who spent 4 weeks on the treacherous sands of Hermosa Beach, dodging surfers and and enduring a heat wave!! He wasn’t loafing, he was searching for Bill & Ted, who know a little something about Ultimate Excellence.

“Strange things are afoot at the Circle K”

How could we have been so stupid? I’m actually disappointed in myself for not realizing this earlier, I’m a big fan of Sun Tzu, OF COURSE it is his teachings that AP and Mike have been poring over. 80 points in two games, 621 passing yards and 0-2. Bad? No, friends that is the plan…

“The Way of War is a Way of Deception

When Able, Feign Inability

When Deploying Troops, Appear not to be

If the Enemy is full, be prepared; If Strong, Avoid Him.”-Master Sun

Inability? Check. Deploying troops (aka blitz)? We appear not to be. Avoiding the enemy? Got that down pat. So, our execution of this plan has been in a word, PERFECT!

Want to know why Michael Strahan sunned himself on the Left Coast for a month instead of putting in work with his teammates? Selfish? Nah. Greedy? Think again. Enlightened? You damn skippy.

“When near, appear far, When Far appear Near”-Master Sun

So when he was out in Cali, he was really here, now that he’s here, just try finding him on the stat sheet. Sun Tzu would be proud of what Strahan has been able to master in just one off-season. I’d be remiss if I only focused on my admiration for Strahan’s for dilligence to Master Sun’s teaching if I didn’t give others credit as well.

I know some of you are sitting there wondering, why did we hold a spot for him, why didn’t we play hardball and just let him stay retired? Ye of little knowledge…Master Strahan hit them with this and well, they rightfully listened, sort of.

“Heed my plan, Employ me, and Victory will be Yours”

“Do not heed my plan, And even if you did employ me, You would surely be defeated; I will depart”-Master Sun

So GM Jerry Reese did employ him and thought Victory would be his. Not so fast oh unschooled General Manager. Reese refused to heed his plan of a raise, did employ him and now they are being defeated and Strahan will depart after this year ends. I’m not given to hyperbole often, but Strahan is the perfect warrior, unable to be defeated, because he refuses to fight and will still attain Ultimate Excellence.

Dare I be so bold as to peruse the Art of War and figure out what I think of all of this? Oh ok, twist my arm. If I had to pick one saying that summed up my feelings about Michael Strahan’s lackluster return to the Giants, I’d have to go with…

“The Killing of an Enemy Stems from Wrath;

The fighting for Booty, Stems from…

Desire for Reward”-Master Sun

So far it seems, the only reason he came back was to get his reward$. Good luck on Sunday Mike, only you know if you want it badly enough to be the player you used to be. Until then, we’ll question everything you do.

This team honestly looks out of sync. It might be that way all year and we might stumble to a 4 win season and lament what might have been had Coughlin been fired last year. BUT, I just cannot see names like Manning, Burress, Shockey, Snee, Jacobs, Strahan, Umenyiora, Pierce, Kiwanuka, Tuck and just think, Ok we suck on with the draft. The lights don’t seem to be all on just yet but I think they have a chance to.

I know Coughlin’s teams were awful in his final years in Jacksonville, but a lot had to do with the cap and losing a boatload of players. I trust the man’s intelligence and ability to find a way to win, maybe foolishly but I do. I believe in Eli’s growth, leadership and ability to lead this offense behind a pretty damn good OL. I suppose I’m deranged, but I still have a lot of hope for this season. We can score, we can get after the QB and we can stop the run, we have the personnel who have done it and done it well it just doesn’t disappear into nothingness.

The team seems calm, and still poised which is a good sign and we’re going into a tough stadium to play an old school Gibbs team that is rolling and riding a wave of confidence. It could be the end of our season if we lose and the team fractures, and I am betting on a lot of people in that stadium knowing it and doing something about it. Football is about being there a step faster, hitting a hole a step quicker, holding that block a moment longer, putting just a tad more air under a pass. It’s a series of well executed little things that will add up to a big thing..a win. It hasn’t happened and maybe it won’t much this year but I just can’t see the talent on this team and declare them all ready for the scrap heap.

This isn’t about X’s and O’s, and I know it’s more emotional than logical but sometimes football is just that. Sometimes it’s just wanting it a little more than the guy across from you. If our boys don’t want to be 0-3 and be skewered by the media and their fans they will do a little bit more. They will hit a little bit harder, block a little bit longer, jump just a bit higher and give it everything they have on every play..and if not maybe they should all be tossed aside and ridiculed. But until then, I’m going to hold out hope for Sunday and back the guys I root so damn hard for to give me something to cheer about.

And I’m not gonna take it anymore! Kickoff is a mere 3 days away and already I need something to throw, punch, kick swear at or drink too much of. What I’ve gleaned from the “press” and most “football experts” so far is they are no different than the insignificant kids no one knew who stood on the edge of a playground fight picking sides. They weren’t throwing punches, they weren’t friends with the combatants, but dammit, they had a point and it was usually..”Punch him in the head” or “Shoe him in the nuts”.

Well loyal readers (loyal I am sure of and literate..I hope) this week I have to take issue with the gang of outsiders known as get this..“The Football Outsiders”. Pardon the length of this entry (that’s what he said), but I wanted to take a moment to show the jury what the football outsiders claim to be.

WHAT MAKES FOOTBALL OUTSIDERS DIFFERENT FROM OTHER FOOTBALL WEBSITES?

Football Outsiders brings you a series of brand new, in-depth statistics you can’t find anywhere else. With these stats, we will attempt to bring objective analysis to football that matches the revolution in baseball writing and analysis over the past 20 years. We have new methods for analyzing skill players, offensive and defensive lines, special teams, and total team efficiency. Right now these statistics are complete for the years 1996-2006, and they are updated each week during the 2007 season.

We don’t just have reams of stats, though; we’ll also have in-depth articles explaining these statistics as well as articles to answer specific questions and challenge conventional wisdom about the game. We’ll also have articles that aren’t necessarily based on statistics, but still give a more intelligent viewpoint on professional (and college) football, combining fan obsession with a bit of acerbic wit.

Let me first say I do occasionally read the site once the season begins and their formulas are intriguing and revealing at times. I suppose it’s now that there are no stats to lean on that the chaps at FO have to resort to the aforementioned “acerbic wit.”

For your beloved New York Giants, the intelligent experts with the acerbic wit predict the following…

Aaron Schatz: New York Giants. They start their year like this: at Dallas, home against Green Bay, at Washington, home against Philadelphia, and then “home” against the Jets. There’s a pretty good chance they come out of that 0-5 or 1-4, and if this team starts slow, they’re going full Kotite.

At Dallas, who we split with last year, home against Green Bay who couples a rookie running back with a rapidly deteriorating Brett Favre, at Washington who we swept handily, and against the Jets who are superbly coached but undermanned. That’s a “pretty good chance” of 0-5? Using Schatz’s definition of pretty good chance, there’s also a pretty good chance Tiki Barber hates himself and Mike Strahan feels overpaid.

I guess ignoring past results and current key injuries (Greg Ellis and Terrence Newman), is part of the FO guys innovative way at looking at things. It’s easier to just watch ESPN and see what they say, add a bad joke and voila, you get to pass as an analyst with an acerbic with. By far my favorite line was “Full Kotite”!!! Relevant and timely, thy name is Schatz. What’s next Aaron, a “Where’s the Beef” line?

Benjy Rose: New York Giants. So long, Tom… don’t let the entire state of New York hit you in the butt on the way out.

For the love of Benjy, I should have known someone named after a furry heroic canine would be so loquacious. This is the “more intelligent viewpoint”?? If you don’t know who Benji is, ask the Schatzter, he seems to be about 15 years behind the curve and willing to trot out the old info. First of all, the Giants play in New Jersey, and how can a state hit you in the butt? I get the joke, I know the reference, but shouldn’t you have said Giants Stadium door or even the Holland Tunnel? So now I have to give comedy AND football lessons?

“My Dog is smarter than your analyst”

Now for my favorite FO fella, Bill Barnwell. I had a 10th grade chemistry teacher named Barnwell who accused me of cheating on my mid term and failed me. I proceeded to get straight A’s for the rest of the year and Barnwell got fired mid term once our principal interviewed some classmates my other teachers. Guess who wins? So I immediately hate Bill Barnwell, let that be known, relation to that little failure or not.

Bill Barnwell: New York Giants. When I think about this upcoming Giants season, my heart hurts in the way it does when you think of ex-girlfriends sleeping with new people. Many new people. At the same time. While she reassures them all how much better they are in bed than you. Oh, and she does this all in the next room over from you while you’re trying to sleep. And then makes the whole group breakfast afterwards, your favorite breakfast, too, and throws out the last helping as you go to grab some. It’s like that, except it’s going to happen for about 17 consecutive weeks.

Bill, I’m sorry you can’t keep a woman and as a man sorrier still that you can’t satisfy one. It sounds like you dated cheap sluts who could cook though so bully for you pal. What the hell does your reproductive inadequacy and low self esteem have to do with the Giants season? Total confusion rained down on me once I read that passage. Your piece sounds like a 4th grader telling a joke he forgot parts of and just keeps talking. “The chicken…he uh crossed the road cuz um the man who..um the chicken had this thing stuck..this guy liked other guys too and he um had this chicken for a pet so he like..um tried to cross the street.” That will make sense to anyone under 10 and anyone named Barnwell only.

Am I alone here in my utter confusion of this passage? I’ve read quattrains that made more sense and seen homeless signs that were more coherent

.

“Brother, can you spare a synapse”

Am I jealous of the success of FO? Of course I am. Does it upset me that people with no sense of humor try to be funny? Damn skippy. Do I like talking like Jim Fassell? Yes, yes I do.

Is Barnwell calling Tiki the Eggs Florentine making tramp, or is he claiming the Giants have no respect for leftovers? Call me John Locke, ’cause I’m LOST and I have no hair. So it’s “like that, except it’s going to happen for about 17 consecutive weeks”. Umm Ok, looking forward to that.

“Just what in the hell are you talking about Barnwell?”

I will be posting my deep dark sordid thoughts about the Giants-Cowboys tilt sometime tomorrow, but in the meantime, please don’t be too upset at the Schatzter, the dog wonder or the ever confusing Bill Barnwell. They don’t have any innovative statistics to pore over, so they’re left trying to do comedy. Not everyone can be as funny as I am, I know that now and I’m willing to overlook it. What I won’t overlook though is shoddy opinions based on nothing but Sean Salisbury’s Rum induced rants on ESPN. That is of course when he’s not too busy photographing his bits and emailing to John Clayton.

Maybe it’s blind optimism, maybe my faith in Brandon Jacobs is like thinking Coy and Vance could replace Bo and Luke with no dropoff. Either way, I feel very strongly about this Giants team, because for the first time in 4 years it looks like an actual TEAM. In 17 weeks and 3 days we’ll see who was right, the “experts” at FO, the oversized heads at ESPN, or little old me. I’m predicting a 10 win season and a playoff birth, FO is predicting that we throw away breakfast or sleep with our ex girlfriends or get hit in the butt with an entire state. I’m not really sure what they meant, but I know it wasn’t good.

“I am SO as good as Luke, you’ll see”

Have faith Big Blue Faithful, this team is going to surprise a LOT of people, but I won’t be one of them.

August 20th, 2007

“Directa Your Feetzah, to Daddy Green’s Pizza”-While not exactly the Sho-Gun of Harlem the little brother’s feet were moving and so was the Giant offense. For the record, Eli’s stat line read 10/13 for 114 yards, 1 TD and 0 INT in just under a half. Not exactly what many expected based on this maddening pre-game quote from Brian Billick as he tried to rally his thugs.

“Take a look at that other sideline, they’re not ready for what we’re bringing”

“Raise your hand if you’re not ready“

Terrell Suggs with his Drac like mouth was supposed to terrorize Eli and take away the passing game. A tenacious Rex Ryan defense led by Ray Lewis and Ed Reed was supposed to stifle the running game at home, on national television in their oh so frightening black uniforms. So what in the name of Jim Fassel happened here?…read on..

In a recent story in the NJ Star-Ledger, Giants beat writer Mike Garafolo seems to be stoking a fire with his article entitled, “Burress won’t be soured”. On this week’s episode of As the Stomach Turns, Giant fans are treated to the following exchange instead of gearing up for a big preseason test against the Baltimore Ravens…

“I think his milk is going bad,” one player overheard one of the team’s veterans say. The player, who requested anonymity because he didn’t want to publicly question his teammate, said the joke was a reference to Burress’ possibly “milking” the injury he suffered on Aug. 2 so he could miss more than two weeks of training camp.

Garafolo dutifully notes that when informed of the “Joke”, Burress shot back..

“It’s fine. But when I get back on the football field, when I get back out there and back to being No. 17 and making plays, everybody’s going to shut up and get in line.”

Apparently the “Talk is Cheap Play the Game” mantra that Tom Coughlin wanted to use as a rallying cry is now officially dead. The fact that Burress is at the center of this mini-controversy should come as no surprise. Giants faithful have been wary of wide receiver Plaxico Burress ever since his bizarre free agency episode that led then GM Ernie Accorsi to publicly announce he was not interested in the lanky WR’s services, then reversing field and inking Plax to a five year deal.

Despite 139 catches, 2,202 yards and 17 touchdowns in two seasons, Burress still cannot outrun his image as a malcontent who doesn’t work hard enough. With Tiki gone, Shockey laying low and Gappy counting his pennies, Burress has become the official whipping boy. It all began 2 years ago with his refusal to train in the New York/New Jersey area and play catch with his quarterback. Throw in Burress’ dogging a play in which felonious Titans CB Adam Jones intercepted a pass intended for him, and you have every beat writer’s dream-a talented player turned emerging villain.

Ironically playing the role of anti-villain last year was absentee Defensive End you know who, when he commented on Burress’ questionable effort.

“He’s too great of a player to have people look at him and think he’s a quitter. Don’t be labeled as a guy who’s a sometimes player, I-play-when-I-want-to type of attitude. He’s too good for that.”

However, when pressed on the subject, Gappy did a 180 and exploded on ESPN reporter Kelly Naqi in the now famous PBJ Incident…

“Look a man in the eye before you try to kill him or make up something,” he said. “Look me in the eyes…..So if you want to come here with the negative, you’re coming to the wrong guy, because I’m not a negative guy. I don’t kill my teammates. I’m a man, and I talk to my teammates.”

Gappy is the same man mind you who has not looked in the eyes of his coach or teammates since mini-camp, but that’s another story for another day. So here we sit, Burress not practicing and another anonymous veteran teammate voicing a not so encouraging opinion of his effort. Will this be the start of another back and forth with reporters dodging bits of sandwich flying between two front teeth or is it simply one guy busting another guy’s onions?

Only those who heard the milk comment know the context in which it was made, but the fact that it was brought to Burress’ attention is what is significant here. I hate to sound trite, but simply put, guys crack on guys all the time. We call each other names, make fun of each other’s beer bellies, cars, women, and the clothes those very women make us wear. Show an ounce of weakness, and your buddies will pounce on it. Players are out in the August sun sweating while Burress sits and waits to be fully healed, naturally that will cause a few groans from the guys practicing all day. But is it really that important?

That brings me to my long awaited point Giant fans and Burress haters-”Just Shut up and Watch”. Giant fans constantly rail the New York media for digging up controversy. And make no mistake, the relaying of this quote to Burress was intended to stir up a little controversy, otherwise it’s an innocuous comment from one guy simply giving another some grief. For all those who hate Burress for the Titans’ miscue, and not playing paddy cake with Eli in March and April, can I remind you of one thing…

“Get that sh-t outta here”

The man makes plays no WR in Giants’ history has made. The man is alway open, even when he’s covered. The man blocks downfield on running plays as well as any player at his position in the entire league. Don’t believe me? Pop in a tape of any long Tiki Barber run and chances are you’ll see Burress burying a CB or shoving a safety aside.

Burress is an easy media target because his tenure as a Giant started with controversy and every so often he seems to be in the middle of something negative and newsworthy. Reporters write stories, and in New York it never hurts to stir the pot a little to get people interested in reading. So read the stories, and have your opinions but realize that on Sundays, few Giants are capable of making grown Eagles fans do this…

So, before you go pointing fingers at Garafolo or any other beat writer for stirring things up, and before you go calling Plaxico a lazy no good so and so keep something in mind. Good writers do their jobs, and get us to read, and come September Plaxico will do his job and get us to cheer. Read the stories, form the opinions, stab your Burress voodoo doll if it helps but come Sundays Just Shut up and Watch. You’ll be a much happier football fan if you do.

August 17th, 2007

Preseason Week 2 Preview

New York Giants (0-1) at Baltimore Ravens (1-0)

Sunday, August 19^th 8:00PM

On Air: Television: NBC National Broadcast,

On Air: Radio: Sirius Satellite Radio Channels 123, 124

Nevermore- Quoth the Reeser, “Nevermore”…after being gashed repeatedly by a mediocre Panthers running game, restless GM Jerry Reese signed nearly 700lbs of beef to shore up his suddenly suspect defensive line. Defensive Tackles Tui Alailefaleula and Manny Wright tip the scales at about 345lbs each and will be looked upon to provide some stout run stopping support.

From where I sat however, the Giants LBs were guiltier than anyone, so I’m not sure how two Gastric bypass candidates are the answer to the defensive woes. The more pressing need this week, is for the LB trio of Pierce, Mitchell and Kiwanuka to pay closer attention to their keys, and not jump at the first sign of movement from the offense. Too often last week, each LB was guilty of over pursuing when presented with a dive fake or counter only to get themselves blocked out of the play. With a one gap defensive tackle alignment and ends that race up field, the linebackers MUST MUST MUST be a bit more patient and attack the right gaps…continued….

August 11th, 2007

Carolina at New York, 8pm-Game Preview

Opponents Be Damned- I won’t be talking much about the Giants opponents during the pre-season because it’s a time to watch our young guys, backups and new acquisitions. Who will make the team, who will surprise, who will disappoint and how will the roster shake out? Those are the questions before us each pre-season game. So focus Giants’ faithful on your own players and their performance, the opponent will play bland schemes and this will be the only chance for you to see some of the backups and rookies in extended action. There is no strategy other than to stay healthy, and play hard. Here’s to good health.

Eli Will be…- The starting QB, we know that for a fact but in his first year without Tiki Barber to take over games, more pressure than ever may rest on the easy going former Rebel. Manning is only expected to only play a series or two, so keep your eyes not just on Eli’s passes but on his feet, balance, and demeanor. When he is able to keep his feet moving and scan the field, Eli is as good as they come. His main issue when he starts playing sporadically has been his inability to turn his body toward his target and instead he’s relied solely on his arm. Much like a golf shot, where your feet point after the shot, the ball will have a tendency to follow, so if new QB coach Chris Palmer can keep Eli conscious of his feet, the accuracy will follow. Here’ something fun to try tonight (or 2pm tomorrow on the NFLN); if you focus on his feet, and see that he’s shuffling them, planting, squaring up his shoulders and letting it rip you don’t even need to watch were the ball goes, assume it will be on target.

….continue reading the preview

August 10th, 2007

Seriously, is there anything worse than ignorance masquerading as lame humor and insight? And no I don’t mean me wise-acres, so watch it. I mean aside from hearing “We’re out of Guiness sir, can I interest you in a Bud Light?”, nothing fries my bacon more than unobjective unfuniness. Now let’s face it, if you’re just born dumb, embrace it. Be stupid, chase your socks, dream about making a rocket ship to the moon out of all those cracker jack boxes on your floor. Any self respecting idiot, you know who you are 90% of the world, should just be happy that you didn’t walk head first into something sharp. The last thing you should do is try to get a job telling people stuff and analyzing things about that stuff.

Unfortunately thanks to Al Gore, we now have the interwebby thing and it takes no talent at all to start a blog…well I mean some talent to type things and…stupid Al Gore. I have a job that pays me ok and I’m pretty good at it, but all over this great country people are handing over their companies’ hard earned revenue to lunkheads passing themselves off as writers. In our case of Media Venom today, I will take a look at a fellow who actually knows football down to the details, but he can’t write or crack a joke to save his life. He is in fact, my total opposite, aside from the football stuff which I know too, and I’m just assuming he’s ugly and women don’t faint when he appears.

Granted I have a bias against this particular article, I am a Giant fan which makes me inherently indignant toward pessimistic appraisals of my team, which is ironic given how much I think they stink. It’s like making fun of my sister, it’s fine if I do it but if you join in I’ll be forced to give you a fat lip. So Mister Football Outsider jerko, here comes the fat lip. In his most recent QWERTY diarrhea session Mike Tanier ranks the Giants coaching staff dead last in the NFL at 32, despite them leading the G-men to back to back playoff appearances. Nevermind that only one Giants coach since 1963 has done that, man by the name of Parcells. Nevermind that on Parcells’ staff he had future Hall of Famer Bill Belichick, along with Browns head man Romeo Crennell, Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis and the often bullied Tom Coughlin. Let’s have a look at your rapier wit shall we mister poopy pants?

32 Giants (Last Year: 14)

Howlin’ Tom Coughlin alienates veterans and terrifies rookies with his abrasive style and obsession with picayune rules. Coughlin promises to be a mellower fellow this season; he’s reached Stage 3 of Coaching Cluelessness (”bargaining”) and should reach “acceptance” sometime soon. Kevin Gilbride is a refugee from the run-and-shoot era who specializes in getting his quarterbacks flattened. He thinks Max Protect is a 1980s cartoon superhero, so Eli Manning had better be ready for the blindside blitz. The Giants fired defensive coordinator Tim Lewis, their best coach, after his injury-plagued defense fell apart last season. Replacement Steve Spagnuolo is a longtime Eagles assistant who plans to install a more blitz-oriented attack. When the whole staff is fired on January 7th, Spagnuolo will land on his feet.

Good move starting your published piece on Fox Sports with a witty adjective cooled up by leavin’ off the g. Howlin’. I like it, I’m going to start giving people nicknames that make no sense and are spelled just a little bit wrong for effect. I wonder what Thinkin’ Ray Handley is up to, but I digress. That might not be considered a true digression, more of a minor hiccup but I always wanted to type that.

So, Coughlin “terrifies rookies?” You make him sound like he puts Icy Hot in their shorts and gives them swirlies when they arrive on campus. The man is a professional football coach in the NFL, not an overweight 8th grade bully who can only deal with his internal sadness by picking on others..(It’s OK Lenny, I know you just hurt inside and you never meant to pick on me..i forgive you, you tubby bastard). So does this mean that for all of your X and O prowess, which I do admire by the way, you just don’t care what you write about coaches?

Tim Lewis, their best coach???? The same Tim Lewis who guided the Steelers to a #15, #16 ranking in scoring defense in his final 2 years and who Bill Cowher personally fired because of his distaste for the soft zone coverage Lewis employed? The same Tim Lewis who upon departing saw the Steelers rise to #1 in scoring AND total defense immediately following his dismissal? The same Tim Lewis who oversaw 2 consecutive 26 ranked defenses with the giants, despite having 2 Pro Bowl DEs and a Pro Bowl MLB to anchor the defense??? The same Tim Lewis who was even more hated in the locker room and who not ONE player had a nice thing to say about once he left? I suppose if you think he’s our best coach and he stinks everyone else must be awful. How then do you explain in your oh so eloquent manner that Giants “injury-plagued defense” (your words not mine) was unable to derail a 2nd consecutive playoff birth?

Could it be that maybe, just maybe Tom Coughlin knows what he’s doing? Nah, couldn’t be he’s the worst coach in the NFL, but only one of a handful to take his injury plagued (you again) team to the postseason 2 years in a row. What a bum.

I’m guessing you have an axe to grind here Mike, after all you started your Coughlin bashing early on when you named the Lions coaching staff at 16.

“Head coach Rod Marinelli is the last of the loose cannons — or at least he will be as soon as Tom Coughlin gets fired.”

SIXTEEN??? Marinelli managed to shave 2 wins off of the Steve Mariucci/Dick Jauron feat of 5-11, but I’m sure it was a brilliant coaching ploy to pick #2 and watch the Raiders gag and pass on Calvin Johnson so Rod could nab him. That is good solid coaching. But it’s the defense, supposedly Marinelli’s forte’, that actually plummeted from 17th in total D and 21st in points to 27th and 30th respectively. But yeah, that deserves a nice solid middle of the road ranking, just like Rosie O’Donnell deserves to be called, a little liberal and a little chubby.

Speaking of Dick Jauron, he of the one winning season in seven as a head coach and the proud owner of 1, 4, 5 and 6 win season, he was ranked 23rd. Not great, but 9 spots higher than Tommy C. for seemingly no reason at all. One winning season out of seven Mike and he’s better than Coughlin, really..really?? So you need incontrovertible proof of Anti-TC bias??? Look no further than the dart thrown in the wall method of ranking coaches who have yet to put on an officially licensed headset by Motorla, designed exclusively for you, the demanding NFL head coach…stupid commercials hurting my brain….

• Ken Whisenunt, NFL Record 0-0, Rank 20th
• Lane Kiffin, NFL Record 0-0, Rank 24th
• Cam Cameron, NFL Record 0-0, Rank 25th
• Bobby Petrino, NFL Record 0-0, Rank 26th (ironically a Tom C disciple!)
• Romeo Crennell, NFL Record 10-26, Rank 27th
• Norv Turner, NFL Record 58-82, Rank 30th

So four head coaches with NO TRACK RECORD of success are automatically deemed better than a man with nearly 100 wins and 5 playoff appearances? Norv Turner, NORV TURNER is ranked ahead of him. The Raiders didn’t want Norv Turner, the Raiders.

Look, I’m no blind Coughlin supporter just because he coaches my favorite team, but facts are facts and based on wins and playoff appearances, he and his assistants no matter how many awful made up 80’s references you can make (Max Protect-gah?) deserve better. Nowadays, the NFL is a meritocracy, and you earn your standing in the coaching ranks by winning football games.

Like him or not, Tommy boy has done more winning than losing and gotten some teams that seemed to be teetering due to injuries, to pull through and make a final push. He gets the most out of his players, just ask Tiki Barber who hated his style but appreciated his talent.

Look no further than the terms Tiki Barber and Hall of Fame in the same sentence and ask yourself this- Had he continued fumbling under nice guy Jim, would those phrases be linked, aside from in a forced NBC telecast from Canton starring the toothy wonder himself? Barber did his best work under Tom’s tutelage, there is no denying that fact, but facts don’t seem too relevant to your popularity contest.

If anyone out there wants a football 101 lesson, I recommend checking out Mike’s work. He’s very well versed in the X’s and O’s, and does a nice job explaining some very basic football concepts. Ranking coaches and comprehending won loss records just isn’t his thing. Asking Mr. Tanier to come up with an objective, thoughtful review of the head coaching fraternity seems to be as wise as Donald Trump for hair advice. Stick to the X’s and O’s Mike, your inbox will thank you.

August 9th, 2007

During my stint in the boutonnière of New York, I managed to sober up long enough to catch an evening practice and glimpses of a certain Right Wing Survivor Winning Rosie O’Donnell Hating Pregnant Girl who shall remain nameless. Dying for a hint huh? Her name starts with an E, ends in a -beth and has a liza in the middle. Ok no more clues Inspectors…go go Gadget keyboard…

My observations were not of the flow of any one play, completions, interceptions, crowd oohing plays or violent collisions. Being a complete football nerd I of course focused on the things that make a good athlete a good football player; hand placement, punch, footwork, power base, body lean, field awareness etc. The focus was solely on a few players I have my doubts about, guys in new positions, and returning injured players…continue reading the article